My Heart Is A Tide

Did I really hear you say, You’ve always been this way,

When we both know the truth.

Did you really think that I would see the lies you sell and just accept them?

We both know that I know better.

I wish that you would turn the mirror and see yourself,

but even with the gift of sight you’re blind.

slowly going crazy but it is what it is. Did I just scratch up my arms and punch a wall… Yep. Does my fiance hate me also yep. I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I have the emotions all the time or these outbursts. I don’t want to be this way but I am. I am in therapy. But I don’t even think that can save my relationship at this point. Best part is we’re getting married in a month… Yay….

Everyone talks about breakups. The pain, the recovery, the PTSD of it all. No one talks about the end of a friendship. The bittersweet moment you grow apart… you grow into people you don’t recognize. I’ve lost a friend.

I’ve lost a friend even though I fought to save the friendship. I’ve lost a friend despite telling them about the growing rift. I lost a friendship despite all of the care and support I provided over the years. I never think people will do things like that… and every time it happens, I get hurt

They don’t care that I miss them, our humor, our hangs… they don’t care that I relied on talking to them every day. They’ve found a significant other and no longer have space for other people in their life… I never thought I was so replaceable or unimportant. 

Talking everyday went to talking every other “Don’t worry, nothings changing.” Now we talk maybe once a week. I know it’s my expectations that hurt me, not the other persons actions. I know I’m responsible for how I responed.. but it kills me that I can’t do anything about it. It kills me that everytime I scream don’t go… a person leaves. 

In a perfect world.. friendship wouldn’t ebb and flow. This isn’t a perfect world though, so I have to accept it. I have to accept the pain that comes from being a very sensitive person. I’m just dissapointed

I thought this person’s character was strong. I though they did the right thing.. but looking back I don’t think that’s the case. I think they kept me around as emotional support and a stand in girlfriend. They didn’t support my engagement… or try to interact with my partner past using them to get rid of a mutual person we don’t like. The way he’s treated me, my partner, and my friends has made me sad.. if I were normal I could write it off and not get hurt….

With my emotional-ness, sensitive side, and abandonment issues it’s so hard to let go of.. but talking to them did nothing.. they didn’t care… and that’s what hurts. They don’t give a shit that the friendship is over. They don’t give a shit that I’m hurt… rather then talk about the change they want to let it be… so I guess they just don’t like me. They  just don’t care.. .and I’m hurting my own feelings. 

i should probably just kill myself

 Just me sitting here with all of my issues. too dark for him. Too dark and upsetting an the blame game. 

Spiraling spiraling spiraling allllllll the way down

perpetual loneliness

unbearable saddness

And im lonely. As lonely as can be, but its my fault. I get anxious and I back off. I need a therapist. I keep putting it off but I know it would help

I fantasize about getting up and walking out of this job every single day. I dislike it, and I dislike my life. Here I am panicking over my boyfriend because I feel like he doesn’t love me. I just don’t feel like he’s really engaged in me anymore. It always seems like he would rather be doing/talking to someone else. Our sex life has tanked. He doesn’t even really kiss me anymore… It’s probably because of my anxiety and paranoia.